Bill Bailey Quotes

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

I'm English and, as such, I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still