Dennis Miller Quotes

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.