Best Quotes by Emo Philips (Top 10)

  1. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
  3. You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
  4. I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
  5. I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
  6. Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
  7. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
  8. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
  9. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
  10. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

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