Garrison Keillor Quotes

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

One day Donald Trump will discover that he is owned by Lutheran Brotherhood and must re negotiate his debt load with a committee of silent Norwegians who dont understand why anyone would pay more than $120.00 for a suit.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

A person cannot coast along in old destructive habits year after year and accept whatever comes along. A person must stand up on her own two legs and walk. Get off the bus and go get on another. Climb out of the ditch and cross the road. Find the road that s where you want to go. ... The only sermon that counts is the one that is formed by our actions. She would quit drinking and thereby show Kyle life is what you make it. A person can grab hold of her life and change things for the better. This happens all the time. We are not chips of wood drifting down the stream of time. We have oars.

Travel is the art form available to Everyman. You sit in the coffee shop in a strange city and nobody knows who you are, or cares, and so you shed your checkered past and your motley credentials and you face the day unarmed ... And onward we go and some day in the distant future, we will stop and turn around in astonishment to see all the places we've been and the heroes we were.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye, and deny it.

Selective ignorance, a cornerstone of child rearing. You don't put kids under surveillance: it might frighten you. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a noble and benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze.

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

Being Lutheran, Mother believed that self-pity is a deadly sin and so is nostalgia, and she had no time for either