Best Quotes by George Carlin (Top 10)
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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
George Carlin
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
More George Carlin Quotes
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I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
George Carlin
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
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I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
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In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
George Carlin
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?
George Carlin
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
George Carlin
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I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
George Carlin
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
George Carlin
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
George Carlin
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Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
George Carlin
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Don't just teach your children to read"¦ Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
George Carlin
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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
George Carlin
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
George Carlin
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin
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I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
George Carlin
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Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
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To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.>>
George Carlin
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
George Carlin
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Electricity is really just organized lightning
George Carlin
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
George Carlin
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
George Carlin
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
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I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.
George Carlin
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
George Carlin
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
George Carlin
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
George Carlin
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
George Carlin
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If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
George Carlin
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin
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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
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Life is tough, then you die.
George Carlin
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Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
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The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
George Carlin
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Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
George Carlin
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin
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Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.
George Carlin
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When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
George Carlin
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Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with
George Carlin
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Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
George Carlin
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A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt
George Carlin
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
George Carlin
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
George Carlin
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
George Carlin
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We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
George Carlin
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
George Carlin
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin