George Carlin Quotes

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Don't just teach your children to read"¦ Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Religion is just mind control.

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.>>

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Electricity is really just organized lightning

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Life is tough, then you die.

Always do whatever's next.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

The status quo sucks.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.