Groucho Marx Quotes

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Time wounds all heels.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Hello, I must be going.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.