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Rita Rudner Quotes
Best Quotes by Rita Rudner (Top 10)
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen
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Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
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How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
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Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
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Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner
More Rita Rudner Quotes
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The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
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Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
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I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
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My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
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My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
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Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
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Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
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Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
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My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
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You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
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They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
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Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
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Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
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My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
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My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
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I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
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I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
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To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
Rita Rudner