Steven Wright Quotes

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

always remember your unique, just like everone else

What a nice night for an evening.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.