Best Quotes by Steven Wright (Top 10)
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Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Steven Wright
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Steven Wright
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
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What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
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I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
Steven Wright
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
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What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright
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Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?
Steven Wright
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
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I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright