Wilson Mizner Quotes

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.

Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.

God help those who do not help themselves.

I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.

Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

There's nothing so comfortable as a small bankroll. A big one is always in danger.

When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it's research.

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.