Sarcastic Quotes

Women are made to be loved, not understood.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

Don't be humble... you're not that great.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

You are never too old to become younger!

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies.

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

It is true that liberty is precious; so precious that it must be carefully rationed.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

If you are patient...and wait long enough...Nothing will happen

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

His ignorance is encyclopedic.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

Behind every great man there is a suprised woman.

Debating against him is no fun, say something insulting and he looks at you like a whipped dog.

You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to tell people that life's about change.

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.

In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

She's been on more laps than a napkin.

To the people I forgot, you weren't on my mind for some reason and you probably don't deserve any thanks anyway.

The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

There are more bad musicians than there is bad music.

A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.

Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother?s.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The more I see of man, the more I like dogs.

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.

Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it.

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.

Acting is like roller skating. Once you know how to do it, it is neither stimulating nor exciting.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He strains his conversation through a cigar.

I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got married.

The world is so dreadfully managed, one hardly knows to whom to complain.