Andy Rooney Quotes

If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasnt based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isnt true.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who think they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

We've sent a man to the moon and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week but for some reason nobody's ever done it.