Dave Barry Quotes

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows

Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.