Elayne Boosler Quotes

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?