Fran Lebowitz Quotes

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a Lesbian.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive - you are leaking.

I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

If you're going to America, bring your own food.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Nothing succeeds like address.

Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.