Best Quotes by Fran Lebowitz (Top 10)
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Think before you speak. Read before you think.
Fran Lebowitz
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In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz
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Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz
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My favorite animal is steak.
Fran Lebowitz
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As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz
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Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
Fran Lebowitz
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I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.
Fran Lebowitz
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Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Fran Lebowitz
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If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
Fran Lebowitz
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The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
Fran Lebowitz
More Fran Lebowitz Quotes
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Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz
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Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.
Fran Lebowitz
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I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.
Fran Lebowitz
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Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.
Fran Lebowitz
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If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
Fran Lebowitz
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Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.
Fran Lebowitz
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All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
Fran Lebowitz
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Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
Fran Lebowitz
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I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.
Fran Lebowitz
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When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.
Fran Lebowitz
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If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies
Fran Lebowitz
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I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
Fran Lebowitz
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Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
Fran Lebowitz
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I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.
Fran Lebowitz
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No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
Fran Lebowitz
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Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a Lesbian.
Fran Lebowitz
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I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.
Fran Lebowitz
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Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
Fran Lebowitz
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The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive - you are leaking.
Fran Lebowitz
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I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.
Fran Lebowitz
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Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
Fran Lebowitz
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Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.
Fran Lebowitz
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Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
Fran Lebowitz
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Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Fran Lebowitz
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The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
Fran Lebowitz
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I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
Fran Lebowitz
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You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.
Fran Lebowitz
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To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.
Fran Lebowitz
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Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
Fran Lebowitz
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Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.
Fran Lebowitz
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In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.
Fran Lebowitz
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If you're going to America, bring your own food.
Fran Lebowitz
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Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz
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Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz
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There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
Fran Lebowitz
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Nothing succeeds like address.
Fran Lebowitz
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Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Fran Lebowitz
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Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
Fran Lebowitz