Henny Youngman Quotes

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.