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Jon Stewart Quotes
Best Quotes by Jon Stewart (Top 10)
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Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
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I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
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Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe — dare I dream it? — maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
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If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
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If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
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I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance
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I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
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Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
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Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
Jon Stewart
More Jon Stewart Quotes
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It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
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To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don't like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!
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The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
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Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.
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Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.
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In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?
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The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies. Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing a candidate to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought.
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I feel your scorn, and I accept it.
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Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay.
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Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of so we dropped bombs on everyone
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Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
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But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.
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For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.
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I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.
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I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn't. It's like the way free speech does t apply at work. You can't just walk into your boss office and say you're a fuckface and I'm gonna go back to work now.' No, you're not
Jon Stewart