Best Quotes by Phyllis Diller (Top 10)
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
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The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Phyllis Diller
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller