Stephen Colbert Quotes

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

"ŽYou cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.