Woody Allen Quotes

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

I am two with nature.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I believe people ought to mate for lifelike pigeons or Catholics.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

The most important words in the English language are not 'I love you' but 'it's benign.'

Marriage is the death of hope.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind — a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful; provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.