Funny Quotes

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.

If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Where's your will to be weird?

Jazz isn't dead. It just smells funny.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

A witty woman is a treasure; a witty beauty is a power.

I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.

Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Don't cry for a man who's left you—the next one may fall for your smile.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer.

Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect - But tell me the truth.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence.

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

Good artists copy, great artists steal.

You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions

Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.

You are you that is truer than true

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.

The only difference between a suicide and a martyrdom really is the amount of press coverage.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Attack the evil that is within yourself, rather than attacking the evil that is in others.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.

I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.

Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it.

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.

I like nonsense; it wakes up the brain cells.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I went to school in drag, in art school and my day was completely different because everybody thought I was a chick. You should see me as a chick. So I went as a girl, as like an experiment and it worked really well and everyone was really nice to me but I couldn't talk obviously...you know train conductors were really cool to me on my commute...HA! I looked hot as a chick!

Beer is proof that God wants us to be happy

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home.

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion.

Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued off sinking ships.

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Be so good they can't ignore you.

If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it.

The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can.

The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little - if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. And it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

You can see a lot just by observing.

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: "˜To rise above little things'.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing.

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck

You can be young without money but you can't be old without it.

Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

When I was young, I said to God, 'God, tell me the mystery of the universe.' But God answered, 'That knowledge is for me alone.' So I said, 'God, tell me the mystery of the peanut.' Then God said, 'Well George, that's more nearly your size.' And he told me.

Look your best - who said love is blind?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.

Life has been your art. You have set yourself to music. Your days are your sonnets.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

To err is human, but it feels divine.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.

I want to know all Gods thoughts; all the rest are just details.

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.

Love is just a word, but you bring it definition.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.This was said by gene wilder ... what does it mean ?

Sometimes I'm real cool, but sometimes I could be a real asshole. I think everyone is like that.

It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

The Devil got landed with a shitty job, he has to deal with assholes everyday, he's probably bored as hell.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.

Time wounds all heels.

For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'

I love to talk about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things.

Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Be good and you will be lonely.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

The future ain't what it used to be.

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Somewhere deep down there's a decent man in me, he just can't be found.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

People used what they called a telephone because they hated being close together and they were scared of being alone.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.

The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!

For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity.

I ain't afraid to love a man. I ain't afraid to shoot him either.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "˜Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off, I've got the toe clippers right here.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Change is a funny thing. We never are quite sure what we are becoming or even why. Then one day we look at ourselves and wonder who we are and how we got that way. Only one thing about change remains constant...it is always painful

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

My wife and I were happy for twenty year. Then we met.

Rule No.1: Never lose money. Rule No.2: Never forget rule No.1.

A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about...That always worries me!

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.

They [dogs] never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Booze, broads and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need?

I can't think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything.

Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Life is a combination of magic and pasta.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

A line is a dot that went for a walk.

Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Better to live a day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep

Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Young people everywhere have been allowed to choose between love and a garbage disposal unit. Everywhere they have chosen the garbage disposal unit.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

One's real life is so often the life that one does not lead.

We do not sing because we are happy, we are happy because we sing.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

I'll go anywhere as long as it's forward.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late start without me.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.

Life's Tragedy is that we get old to soon and wise too late.

There's an old saying in Tennessee "” I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee "” that says, fool me once, shame on "” shame on you. Fool me "” you can't get fooled again.

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.

There's no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.

Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully. "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever." "And he has Brain." "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain." There was a long silence. "I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything.

They misunderestimated me.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends.

The whole of life is but a moment of time. It is our duty, therefore to use it, not to misuse it.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

I love songs about horses, railroads, land, Judgment Day, family, hard times, whiskey, courtship, marriage, adultery, separation, murder, war, prison, rambling, damnation, home, salvation, death, pride, humor, piety, rebellion, patriotism, larceny, determination, tragedy, rowdiness, heartbreak and love. And Mother. And God.

Who in the rainbow can draw the line where the violet tint ends and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but where exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? So with sanity and insanity.

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes you'll know you're dead.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

If you catch me saying 'I am a serious actor', I beg you to slap me.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

Eskimo: 'If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?' Priest: 'No, not if you did not know.' Eskimo: 'Then why did you tell me?'

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.

I am an idealist. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

It is a mistake to regard age as a downhill grade toward dissolution. The reverse is true. As one grows older, one climbs with surprising strides.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I think war is a dangerous place.

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.

Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.

Reading makes immigrants of us all. It takes us away from home, but more important, it finds homes for us everywhere.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.

A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.

Nurture your minds with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes.

Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves. We love them at once for being so.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you.

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

My mother wanted us to understand that the tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Small is the number of people who see with their eyes and think with their minds.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music.

I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.

Federal and state laws (should) be changed to no longer make it a crime to possess marijuana for private use.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'.

Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper in sinks into the mind.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard a horse sing a song.

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.

Kids. They're not easy, but there has to be some penalty for having sex.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.

Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course... the space between your ears.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven.

Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

In Israel, in order to be a realist you must believe in miracles

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

The best way to behave is to misbehave.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.

These young guys are playing checkers. I'm out there playing chess.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Everywhere in the world, music enhances a hall, with one exception: Carnegie Hall enhances the music.

Words are a wonderful form of communication, but they will never replace kisses and punches

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.

Life is a zoo in a jungle.

There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'.

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.

Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.

I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Your wrinkles either show that you're nasty, cranky, and senile, or that you're always smiling.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Free speech means the right to shout 'theatre' in a crowded fire.

Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes, by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers, and sisters, aunts and cousins, but only one mother in the whole world.

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn't even funny..But then it was funny.

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Correction does much, but encouragement does more.

The harder I work, the luckier I get.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?

We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.

It is an extra dividend when you like the girl you've fallen in love with.

My goal in sailing isn't to be brilliant or flashy in individual races, just to be consistent over the long run.

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

It isn't that life ashore is distasteful to me. But life at sea is better.

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

A mask tells us more than a face.

New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat.

There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men's advances as long as they are in cash

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodies

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.

Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

A true heiress is never mean to anyone - except a girl who steals your boyfriend.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking tartar sauce with you.

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I'm not expecting it.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

The most dangerous food is wedding cake

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

He moved in a way that suggested he was attempting the world speed record for the nonchalant walk.

If you want something said, ask a man...if you want something done, ask a woman.

Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.

Babies are always more trouble than you thought and more wonderful.

I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures.

Sometimes you just gotta let sh-t go and say 'to hell with it' and move on.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.

Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, they had 500 years of democracy and peace - and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy-but that could change.

I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

I prefer the word 'homemaker' because 'housewife' always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

If you are patient...and wait long enough...Nothing will happen

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

It was like a heart transplant. We tried to implant college in him but his head rejected it.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run..

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

Our happiest moments as tourists always seem to come when we stumble upon one thing while in pursuit of something else.

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

Competitions are for horses, not artists.

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Since the mathematicians have invaded the theory of relativity I do not understand it myself any more.

Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.

Never mistake legibility for communication.

After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.

Leadership comes in small acts as well as bold strokes.

Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important.

It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

If you rest, you rust.

If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

Like all sciences and all valuations, the psychology of women has hitherto been considered only from the point of view of men.

Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

Ambition may be defined as the willingness to receive any number of hits on the nose.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Life is like Sanskrit read to a pony.

A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

I am two with nature.

When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him.

Be a awful nice to 'em goin' up, because you're gonna meet 'em all comin' down.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.

My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

My life needs editing.

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.

Rockabye Baby, in the treetop Dont you know a treetop is no safe place to rock? And who put you up there, and your cradle too? Baby, I think someone down here has got it in for you!

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Being noticed can be a burden. Jesus got himself crucified because he got himself noticed. So I disappear a lot.

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.

A cause may be inconvenient, but it's magnificent. It's like champagne or high heels, and one must be prepared to suffer for it.

Life is full of strange absurdities, which, strangely enough, do not even need to appear plausible, since they are true.

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause ? you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

Marriage is not about age; it's about finding the right person.

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.

The difference between screwing around and science is writing it down.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.

I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

When fate hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

A pas de deux is a dialogue of love. How can there be conversation if one partner is dumb?

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made.

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Us sing and dance, make faces and give flower bouquets, trying to be loved. You ever notice that trees do everything to git attention we do, except walk?

The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn't climb over it.

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

Years from now, after I'm gone, someone will listen to what I've done and know I was here. They may not know or care who I was, but they'll hear my guitars speaking for me.

Oldtimers weekends and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful.

Of course, there are a lot of ways you can treat the blues, but it will still be the blues.

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

If you're listening to a rock star in order to get your information on who to vote for, you're a bigger moron than they are."

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening "“ or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early midafternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . . But never at dusk.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

There aren't any hard women, only soft men.

The shortest period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain.

Love is being stupid together.

Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god.

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?

This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.

Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Boxing is the only sport you can get your brain shook, your money took and your name in the undertaker book.

An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life.

Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.

You may be sure that the Americans will commit all the stupidities they can think of, plus some that are beyond imagination.

I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Few women care to be laughed at and men not at all, except for large sums of money.

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.

For NASA, space is still a high priority.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

I have caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

You must lose everything in order to gain anything.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.

People say I'm extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?

All the time he's boxing, he's thinking. All the time he was thinking, I was hitting him.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

The magician and the politician have much in common: they both have to draw our attention away from what they are really doing.

Never get married in the morning - you never know who you might meet that night.

I'm gonna put a curse on you and all your kids will be born completely naked.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.

Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.

The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs.

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

You know what they say about big hitters...the woods are full of them.

Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to tell people that life's about change.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.

I have got two reasons for success and I'm standing on both of them.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

If a thing's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well.

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money

The more I know about men the more I like dogs.

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

My idea of fast food is a mallard.

When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get the credit.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet.

If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates.

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

Only a few things are really important.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours will say.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies

Every time I paint a portrait I lose a friend.

If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.

I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I had someone at the Houston police station shoot me with heroin so I could do a story about it. The experience was a special kind of hell. I came out understanding full well how one could be addicted to 'smack,' and quickly.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.

It's a scientific fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of your IQ every year.

I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love, If you want me again look for me under your bootsoles.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

In physics, you don't have to go around making trouble for yourself - nature does it for you.

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is...."

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

No, I don't understand my husband's theory of relativity, but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted.

My life is fair game for anybody. I spent an unhappy, penniless childhood in Brooklyn. I had to slug my way up in a town called Hollywood where people love to trample you to death. I don't relax because I don't know how. I don't want to know how. Life is too short to relax.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.

God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Here's a guy who when he runs, he moves faster.

Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.